In Mourning

Yes, you read that right. I am in food mourning. Thanks to a new bald spot (thank you, thyroid. I hate you…), I have decided to go back to eating gluten free.

I quit low-carb/gluten free in October 2015 when we went to Hawaii. I had lost about 50 lbs when from March-October, but in the last 7 months I have regained 40+ lbs, I feel like crap, and am now losing my hair again (which is why I went gluten free in the first place). It seemed to work last time, so I’m going for it again.

I can’t help but feel so disappointed in myself for getting off track again. First off, I was nowhere near where I needed to be to warrant going off track. Second, had I just stuck to it, I’d be 14 months into my healthy way of eating and that much closer to my goal. I’d definitely be feeling and looking better. Instead of gaining 40, I could have lost another 40!  Third, I have never been able to hope off the wagon for a day, much less a whole vacation, and hop right back on. Ever. My one cheat meal turns into a cheat month… or longer. I am just not cut out for that, and though it sucks, that’s ok because it’s just the way it is.

Oh well. Crying over it won’t change anything, but maybe this is a hard lesson learned (as if I needed another lesson). Just stick to it, especially  once I get in the groove and it becomes easy. This time, I am adding in exercise. Nobody ever said it’d be easy, but it’ll be worth it. And for the most part, it was easy! So why, OH WHY, did I throw the towel in!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love food, I love eating, I love the freedom of eating what ever I want, when I want. But, look at me, I’m a fat disaster. I weighed in this morning at 298.4… In case you missed it, let me say it again:

298.4!!!

As much as that number sucks, the truth is, I’m human. My body holds weight like nobody’s business. At times I feel that if I even look at a piece of cake I will gain 5 lbs. So, knowing how my body works and knowing my thyroid issues and what ever else, I shouldn’t be surprised. My weight is what it is. There is no sense in beating myself up about it. The truth is simple: Yes, I have a medical condition that aids in weight gain, BUT this is not why I’m fat. I fat because my unhealthy habits that have gotten me to 300 lbs. It’s caused by over eating, binging, and sitting on my ass that’s gotten me to this point, not my lack of thyroid.

That’s the truth. And chances are, if you are over weight as well, your weight gain is caused by the same – over eating and not exercising. The magic pill we’re all looking for is inside us. The pill is that little spark of motivation and determination that lies inside of each of us. The magic happens when we dig down deep and pull it out, day after day. Sometimes we have to dig it out, other days we may not find it at all… but it’s there, lying dormant, waiting for us to wake it up.

I personally have spent too many morning sleeping in, and too many evenings when I get off work on the couch. The last few years I’ve become so lazy that I don’t even bother to cook dinner much anymore. I get home, get in my PJ’s, and plop my fat ass on the couch and move as little as possible, often getting take out or ordering in. I do this AFTER spending an entire day at work on my ass, over eating. The weekends are no better, we might move a little more, but nothing near what my body needs. Eating is just as bad.

That is why I am fat. I’m not going to fool myself anymore. I AM FAT BECAUSE I EAT TOO MUCH AND DON’T MOVE.

So, here I am. Ground zero. I am the only one who can change things. I am the only one who can turn my life around. Who knows where I’ll end up health wise, carrier wise, etc. The future is still unwritten. I just know I don’t want to live the rest of my story fat, uncomfortable, self conscious, embarrassed and ashamed. The last thing I want is for my weight to hold me back. If that means being a little strict with what I put in my mouth and pushing myself to workout 30 minutes + a day, then that’s what I’m going to do.

And it starts now. I don’t want to see 300 lbs again…. remember, I started there last year at 308. I’m 10 lbs away from that… I will not see those numbers again.

 

Week 1: -5.5 lbs

Well I haven’t stuck to the goals I made last week very well. I have only exercised twice, wrote in my gratitude journal twice, and missed my gallon of water mark by a mile. I have stuck to my diet and for the most part kept up with hitting my goal at work.

I did manage to lose 5.5 lbs last week though! I have not lost anything the last two days, I think this is why: No exercise, I’ve been eating more cheese, nuts on Monday, less water, eating out, and drinking. I have pretty aggressive goals, if I don’t get on track and do this right then I’m only holding myself back. Plus, why go through the stress of eating like this if I’m not going to do what needs to be done to see results? Now with that said, I am feeling better, less bloated and my joint pain is feeling better. So it’s worth it to keep going. My main focus needs to be food, exercise, and water.

Yesterday I went to O’neils Pub for lunch with a gal from work. I found out they put breadcrumbs in their burger patties. I wonder how many restraints do this? It was definitely a reminder to be a little more cautious, and maybe just ask for the gluten free menu just to be safe! 

February Goals 

 It’s February 1st, and a Monday. What better time is there to start fresh, set new goals, and to restart?

 January was a total flop, I didn’t do anything to really get on track to reach my goals, in fact it was quite the opposite. The only positive step toward my goals was buying a hybrid bike last weekend, which I’ve used a whopping two times so far. But it’s a start. Business wise, it wasn’t great either. I’ve made a few connections and met a few potential clients, but so far nothing has come in from that, so we’ll see what pays off. 

The first step is to quit beating myself up over every little thing. Business wise, I’m actually doing ok, everyone has to start somewhere and they’ve told me it takes time to really build a solid desk. I put unreasonable goals on myself time and time again and beat myself up for it when I don’t reach them. 

Health wise, I am the queen of making excuses. Lunch with clients or a party at a friends end up being my biggest excuses for why I’m eating so badly. It’s all or nothing. Instead of eating healthy the remainder of the time, I simply use these things as an excuse to stay off track. If I have one bad meal, all bets are off.

Exercise wise, I have yet to make the decision to wake up early or peel my butt off the couch in the evening to workout. It’s hard to push myself out of my comfort zone, but it’s necessary.

This month I am aiming for:

~ An hour or more of exercise 5-6 days a week.

~ Stay on a lowcarb diet all month long. Make it work during those occasions that are (slightly) out of my control. Restaurants have salad alter all… and remember it’s ok to be picky while at someone’s house. 

~ Drink a minimum of 1 gallon of water a day.

~ Track my food.

~ Keep a gratitude journal and write in it every day. I want to start focusing on the positives in my life, instead of the negatives as I do now. 

~ Contact at least 2 prospects every single day (Monday – Friday). Aim for at least one meeting per week. 

That’s it! Nothing too crazy, all doable and attainable. 

I got this! 

Goals

It seems that more and more the idea of making New Year resolutions is taboo, it seems that every other article I’m reading right now is anti the “New Year, New Me” mantra.

I personally don’t get that. I am a goal setter from way back. To me, making a new goal is like lighting a little burner that sits way down inside me. Without goals, or a purpose if you will, I feel listless with no direction or motivation. Even if I don’t reach my goal I don’t let that get me down too much, goals are not always meant to be reached. If something is truly important to you then there should not be an end time frame. For some goals, of course you can have an end in mind, for example: this week I will not gossip or say anything negative. The end time to that is one week. Then you can do it again or tweak it a little bit. But your life goals may not be so easily reached.

To me, goals that are easily reach within a short amount of time are important in building the life you want or becoming the person you want to be, but life goals will (obviously) be life changing. If your life goal is easily reached then it wasn’t big enough.

I make resolutions and goals throughout the year, without a constant game plan I’m not sure where I’d be. To some, that may sound tiring but to be its exciting. I am addicted to that feeling you get when you have a new goal, to that feeling you get when you realize that you are THAT much closer to your goal because you’re doing something about it. And of course, nothing is more rewarding than when you accomplish a goal, especially when it’s a big game changing goal.

I love New Years, so much that I think that it’s actually becoming my favorite holiday. We very rarely go out on New Year’s Eve, I’ve always felt that ending and beginning a New Year should be done with those you love, to me it sets the tone for the whole year. This year I rang in the New Year in bed with a migraine, but instead of thinking that this is a sign of how my year is going to go, I choose to let it be motivation of how I don’t want to end up next year. Ok, I get that we don’t always have control over migraines, etc, but I do feel that my lifestyle leads to the amount of migraines I’ve been getting. My food choices – which has been everything and anything for the last few months, causes me to get headaches. Lack of exercise and movement causes me to get headaches. I know that stress also causes them, I think this week it started due to stress (we almost got robbed at work and that started the light pounding in my head), followed by chocolate – I never eat chocolate because 99% of the time it gives me a migraine, and this time was no exception.

New Years is becoming my favorite holiday because it’s the beginning of a new slate. Of course it’s always a little sad putting another year behind you, everyone is a year older and if you have kids, it’s another year with them that you can never get back. That is the sad part. But the exciting part is whipping your slate clean, take the highlights of your previous year and tuck them into your heart as you move on to your next chapter. A new year is a new opportunity where anything can happen!

So no, I don’t get why so many people are anti New Year resolutions. I think it’s because they are tired of letting themselves down when they fail, but who cares if you fail? Get up and try again! Tweak your resolution if you need to, remember that you’re doing it for YOU, and you are worth fighting for.

With that said, here are my resolutions for the year:

  1. Lose 100+ lbs. I always have health and fitness goals, it’s my #1 motivator – I love it! I got off track in October when we were in Hawaii and haven’t been able to get back on track since. I am officially getting back on track starting Monday. Low(er) carb, Shakeology, no added sugar, no white carbs, limited dairy and gluten.
  2. Exercise – my goal is to exercise 5-7 days a week, but if I’m slacking, and I very well may be, then I will not go more than 2 days without exercising – which means 3 days a week minimum.
  3. Drink 100 oz of water day. This is a goal, not a must. No need to beat myself up if I don’t do this.
  4. To close a minimum of $50k more a month than I am now (in revenue).
  5. To work on other side projects daily – not disclosing these yet… 🙂
  6. Spend more quality time with family, which means less TV, tablet, and computer use at home!
  7. Change my daily habit of coming home and getting into my PJ’s and vegging on the couch all night. This started when I first started gaining weight a few years ago, I was depressed and unmotivated. I’m no longer depressed or unmotivated, now I’m just lazy! I’m even too lazy to cook most nights, which I never was before. Obviously I will have my moments of weakness but for the most part, my goal is no TV. Instead, I’ll workout, clean, make dinner, and/or do something fun with the family. In short: Stay busy and burn calories!
  8. Quit being a negative person at work and quit gossiping!! I get sucked into conversations and the next thing I know I have a million little secrets to keep. I hate that. I want to mind my own business and just kick ass!!

That’s it! … for now.

Remember that resolutions are goals, not a life sentence. Go into this with an open mind and enjoy the process! You’re doing this for you, remember your why, this is not a punishment, but an opportunity to have a more rewarding life. 

We got this… 

Off the Sadle

Well shoot! I’m off track again! lol…

Hubby made a good point this afternoon during lunch (Pei Wei), I was telling him that I hoped he liked it so we could go back… then I paused and said, actually, I hope you don’t like it, because if we come back then that means that I’m still off track… Then he said, when will you get that you don’t have to deny yourself foods to be on track… And I knew he was right. Its always all or nothing with me. Not a little, not a bit, not a nibble, not a lick… because any one of those will lead to a full blown binge that will last from days to months… And I know that is not normal. Knowing that makes me wonder if something is seriously wrong with me…

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I would just eat a little, or have normal portions. I remember when I was in high school I would go to Sadie’s with a friend and her parents. Her mom was one of those naturally thin, petite, cute ladies that looked 10 years younger than she was. She’d have a margarita and one taco… ONE. I remember thinking, who eats one taco? She did.. every single time. And she was completely fine and content with it. The other night we got tacos from Garcia’s and I think I had five… That’s right, I said five!! LOL. It wasn’t one of my shinning moments, but honestly, who has one taco? Is that the secret to being thin? Ignoring your WANT for five tacos and tell yourself you are content with ONE. I don’t know… How do I convince myself that I am completely fine and content with one?

I’m a broken record again, because I’m about to say I need to exercise and how much I want to exercise. I want to be a runner, but I have a chronic ankle problem that REALLY flares up when I’m eating gluten, strangely enough. It has gotten really bad the last few weeks… I need to go back to gluten free – and low carb, because really I feel so much better and can move so much better, which ultimately will help me exercise!! If I would just quit being so darn lazy.

Well, I guess that’s it for tonight. I just wanted to say that I suck and fell off the wagon again… This is how it happened: I was at a networking party for work at the country club, I had a few too many drinks… then afterwards we went to a bar for one last drink… and then we ordered dinner, I thought I was being good ordering the Cajun rubbed ribs (appetizer), which was 5 ribs… when they came they were covered in BBQ sauce, and honestly, they tasted like freezer. I was starving and ate them anyway… Then on my way home, I decided f*ck it, I’m starving and got a small quesadilla from Taco Cabana… it was GOOD! I scarfed that down on my way home, and when I got home, I made myself puke. I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t want to be sick the next day, or if didn’t want those carbs inside me… Maybe a little bit of both… So anyway, the next day I was ready to get back on track, but the girls at the office wanted to get Dion’s – where I could have gotten a salad and been FINE, but instead, I got a 6″ meatball sub (kinda nasty) and a fruit cup… then for dinner, 5 tacos… That was Friday. It’s now Sunday, and I’m not doing any better. I want to get back on track and feel better, but I also want the freedom to eat and ENJOY my food.

Ugh!! WHAT IS THE ANSWER!?! 😦

So, there you have you have it. Am I off track by eating carbs? Or can I eat carbs and still be on track and still lose weight? Why can’t I figure this out??

 

 

Day 8 On Track & Business Stuff

Well, it’s day 8 of being back on track and though I am definitely feeling better the scale is moving slowly… Of course, I have not exercised, I’ve eaten a few too many nuts, and have had a few too many drinks here and there… So, what do I expect?

I’m down 8 lbs, which in 8 days isn’t bad – I get that… I know I need to be patient, yet I am so impatient.

I think about exercise… the idea of doing it is great. It’s just the actual get up and go that I can’t quite get to. It’s kind of the same at work. Granted, I’ve been crazy busy the last few days, but I haven’t done much in the way of marketing. I went to a “mixer” this evening, which was ok. Actually, it sucked. I sucked. I could have been more outgoing and talked to more people, but I hung around my table and only talked to those who were near me. I want to be able to work the room without thinking twice. Someday I will, hopefully sooner than later.

There are things I know will help me in my personal life (ie. weight loss), and with my career. I just need to do them. And they’re easy, so why don’t I? Seriously, it sucks being me sometimes. LOL

  • Eat healthy and drink lots of water.
  • Exercise often: 5-6 days a week for 30-60 minutes.
  • Reach out to clients and/or potential clients a day. I think 3 sounds like a good number. If nothing else, how about I make a point to reach out to 10 a week. This can be in the form of an email (ok), or some form of social media (ok), or by going by their office, etc, to see them personally (better – I need to get in their face so they remember me and see that I really do care and want their business).
  • And of course follow-up with new and current customers. The follow-up is everything.

Just those few things alone will help… I just need to do it…  It seems easy enough, so why does it seem so hard?!? 🙂

 

Day 3 On Track

First things first: Day 3, I’m still on track, and feeling better already. Still not 100% but I’m less bloated and feeling semi-cute again. Isn’t it silly how being on track or off track with our diet or exercise regimen can totally make or break your day… your week… or in my case, your month… I’m tired of my weight determining my mood, and even more, I’m tired of it determining my self-worth.

While out marketing today I met a girl who had a lot of success on Atkins in the past – she had lost 90 lbs in 6 months, but regained some with her last pregnancy… four years later, she’s still got 30 lbs to go. I’ve got about 95 lbs to go to my goal… She suggested we do a weight loss challenge, $100 in the pot each, the person who loses the most at the end of two months wins. It may just be us, we might get others to join in… It sounds good and all, and in my mind, being the overachiever I am, I imagine how I will rock my workouts and conquer my bad eating habits, just like that…

In reality, it wouldn’t really go like that. I’d start out gung-ho for a few days, maybe a week… and then the pressure will start to get to me. I’ll fall off track and end up just as fat and lighter by $100. But alas, this may also be an opportunity to continue to grow this relationship… so I’ll probably do it.

During my marketing excursion this morning, I was complaining to the marketing rep I was with that one of the other marketing reps for my company doesn’t seem to like me much, or at least doesn’t seem interested in marketing me much. She said, don’t let him get to you, he only markets cute, small girls who are marketable… Then she paused for a moment and I could almost see her hand hit her forehead as she laughed and said, oh my god, I didn’t mean you’re not cute! and I just looked at her, if she could read my expression it would have simply read REALLY bitch?!in which she replied, you are very cute, and you’re marketable to me!… She could have said anything to try to cover her ass, but it was already out there – and like all things that are already out there, you can never take them back. Honestly, I can’t really say that this bothered me much. I know that being fit and cute makes you more marketable, after all, it’s not rocket science. People are attracted to attractive people. I have been on both sides of that spectrum – I’ve been the small(er) cute girl, and I’ve been not so small cute girl. And I can tell you, the small(er) cute girl wins out most of the time… Sure, there are times when personality wins, which luckily, I must have at least a little personality because I’ve managed to pick up a handful of new clients, while being in my larger unmarketable body…

With all that said, in addition to the many reason of why I need and want to lose weight, I also need to do it for my job. The truth is, I will probably do even better if I were a normal weight. Of course looks are not everything, but they help a lot… Of course I can’t be a thin dingbat – that won’t get me anywhere. I need to balance my knowledge, personality, and everything else.