Well it’s been awhile. It’s a bit disheartening to log on and realize that it’s been a few months since I’ve updated. And a few months of wasting time and not doing anything to help me accomplish my goals. All I can say is that time really does go fast, and evidently it goes so fast that months pass by in just a blink of the eye. I can also say that it’s a lot easier to sit on my butt and not worry about the foods I’m eating. But if I’m really being honest I will have to tell you how disappointed I am in myself, again. Still. And it’s not like I don’t have a choice in the matter, I know that my choices have led me to where I am. I’m about 305 lbs. I’m fat. I’m kind of tall at 5’7″ (and a half), but there’s no way that you can wear 300 lbs well. There’s no hiding it. Seats at work, at people’s houses, restaurants and movies have become increasingly tight and the stability of these seats have become increasingly worrisome. Last week a lady from work was telling me how her husband is really heavy and needs to do something about it, I’ve seen him and he’s a pretty big guy… She said he weights 315 lbs. Filled with shame, I sympathized with her, not daring to tell her that’s nearly what I weight, all the while in the back of my head I couldn’t stop thinking that I weight as much as her obese husband. It was impossible for me to carry on the rest of the day without thoughts of how much of a fat failure I am dancing in my head.
I really do want it: I want to lose weight, get fit, get lean, be physically strong and have control over my eating. I want to be able to move freely and tie my god damn shoe laces. I never want to hear the words “shovel butt” mumbled from my husbands lips again. Or face the embarrassment of running into people I haven’t seen for a long time, or having to get food (and eat) at an event, because you know the plates of fatty’s are always scrutinized. And what about pictures?! omg, talk about horrifying. And the worst ones always end up on Facebook. I want to love shopping again, not leaving depressed every time I walk out of a dressing room. I really hope I don’t offend anyone talking about “fat people” but it’s the truth. I am a fellow fat person, I feel your pain. The stuff we have to deal with on a daily basis as heavy people is endless. I know that some people are fat because of genetics, or medical problems. I get that. But let’s be honest, the majority of us area fat because we’re over eating and not exercising, at leat not enough. I feel confident in thinking that most of us sneak or hide food, and overeat – even when we’re not hungry or even full. The effects being overweight has on the body are great, but I think the effects it has on one’s mind is the worst part. It’s all a mind game. Anyone can lose weight, make healthy food choices and decide to get up and exercise or not. Sure, there are exceptions but for the most part it comes down to fighting out own demons. My demons have taken the lead and left me the dust. But I am catching up to them, I’m preparing to take the lead.
I always seem to make these big promises and make these elaborate goals, setting myself up for failure and when things don’t work out I’m back to where I started. I don’t want to do that any more. I want a real change. Of course I want to lose weight NOW, but that’s just not possible. I need to focus on making healthy choices. When I eat I want to focus on foods that are going to nourish my body. I want to fuel my body and feel better. I want to exercise, and I want to love it once again.
I don’t really care for the current me. The current me is a 30 something year old wife and mother who really doesn’t feel well. I fell tired and it seems that most days I’m fighting a headache or migraine, or warding off the next one. I feel deflated. I am no longer that go-getter I once was, now I timidly hide in the back, embarrassed about my fat ass. I am tired of feeling like I’m not good enough or worthy of success.
I’m ready to change – everything.
How don’t know how. I don’t know when. But I’m going to make it happen.