Day 3 On Track

First things first: Day 3, I’m still on track, and feeling better already. Still not 100% but I’m less bloated and feeling semi-cute again. Isn’t it silly how being on track or off track with our diet or exercise regimen can totally make or break your day… your week… or in my case, your month… I’m tired of my weight determining my mood, and even more, I’m tired of it determining my self-worth.

While out marketing today I met a girl who had a lot of success on Atkins in the past – she had lost 90 lbs in 6 months, but regained some with her last pregnancy… four years later, she’s still got 30 lbs to go. I’ve got about 95 lbs to go to my goal… She suggested we do a weight loss challenge, $100 in the pot each, the person who loses the most at the end of two months wins. It may just be us, we might get others to join in… It sounds good and all, and in my mind, being the overachiever I am, I imagine how I will rock my workouts and conquer my bad eating habits, just like that…

In reality, it wouldn’t really go like that. I’d start out gung-ho for a few days, maybe a week… and then the pressure will start to get to me. I’ll fall off track and end up just as fat and lighter by $100. But alas, this may also be an opportunity to continue to grow this relationship… so I’ll probably do it.

During my marketing excursion this morning, I was complaining to the marketing rep I was with that one of the other marketing reps for my company doesn’t seem to like me much, or at least doesn’t seem interested in marketing me much. She said, don’t let him get to you, he only markets cute, small girls who are marketable… Then she paused for a moment and I could almost see her hand hit her forehead as she laughed and said, oh my god, I didn’t mean you’re not cute! and I just looked at her, if she could read my expression it would have simply read REALLY bitch?!in which she replied, you are very cute, and you’re marketable to me!… She could have said anything to try to cover her ass, but it was already out there – and like all things that are already out there, you can never take them back. Honestly, I can’t really say that this bothered me much. I know that being fit and cute makes you more marketable, after all, it’s not rocket science. People are attracted to attractive people. I have been on both sides of that spectrum – I’ve been the small(er) cute girl, and I’ve been not so small cute girl. And I can tell you, the small(er) cute girl wins out most of the time… Sure, there are times when personality wins, which luckily, I must have at least a little personality because I’ve managed to pick up a handful of new clients, while being in my larger unmarketable body…

With all that said, in addition to the many reason of why I need and want to lose weight, I also need to do it for my job. The truth is, I will probably do even better if I were a normal weight. Of course looks are not everything, but they help a lot… Of course I can’t be a thin dingbat – that won’t get me anywhere. I need to balance my knowledge, personality, and everything else.

 

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We All Have a Story…

I officially started my new lifestyle on Monday. I am focusing on clean eating (as much as possible), drinking lots of water, and getting daily exercise and/or movement in. I joined a clean eating challenge in December and from there decided to join the next group they were starting using Beachbody’s 21 Day Fix. This program focuses on clean, whole foods and comes with little containers to help you measure your food. So far the little cups have been very helpful. I ordered the Challenge Pack which includes Shakeology, which honestly I was skeptical about but I am actually enjoying it. I have tried other shakes in the pasts, the last was Body by Vi, but that just didn’t do anything for me. I’m not currently using Shakeology as a meal replacement, instead I’m using it more as a supplement because of all the vitamins. Surprisingly, today I had my eating under control for the most part, but ate too much at dinner. I also had energy all day long, which rarely happens. It could be a fluke or maybe the shake does help? I’m anxious to see! I was having trouble with my DVD player so I couldn’t do the workout that came with the 21 Day Fix so instead I walked for 50 minutes on the treadmill. Nothing crazy, but it was enough to make me huff and puff and get sweaty. 🙂

During my walk I was thinking about this long tiresome journey I’ve been on, nearly my whole life. I’ve always struggled with my weight and I’ve always gotten down on myself about it. I hate that. I want to learn and practice self-love. I want to learn to love myself regardless of my size, and regardless if I say something stupid, or if I’m too shy to go out and get business and if am not a top producer at my company or bringing home “the bacon” for my family.  These things don’t define me, these things can change just as easily as I let myself get hung-up on them.

I’ve always felt guilty for putting myself first. For the first time ever I understand that in order to GIVE love, you have to first love yourself. This is something I’ve heard for as long as I can remember but it’s never meant anything to me until now. It was like an “Ah!” moment for me. The saying, “if mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” is true only it’s not just for mama’s. It’s for everyone. To be the person others need you to be starts with your own self-love and willingness to put yourself first in order to take care of them the way they need. There’s no reason to feel guilty, it’s a necessity.

My question to myself this evening is WHY THIS TIME? What will make this time any different from my other attempts at weight loss or life changes before? In the past I have always been horrible at sticking to things. The only time that I truly stuck to something for any amount of time was in 2006 when I lost 110 lbs. It took me about 7 months and I kept that weight off for 5 years or so. I was eating low carb at the time and because I was having a lot of aches and pains I got off the program because I thought maybe I was missing nutrients… turns out, it was my thyroid. Since then I’ve struggled with everything, weight, motivation, ambition and drive, which in turn has effected my family life to some degree and it’s definitely impacted my career. And this isn’t ok with me… there comes a time when enough is enough. Dare I say that I have finally had enough?

I know that I’m not alone in my struggles and in no way do these things define me. They’re only a small piece of story. My story is MUCH longer and the rest is still unwritten. It’s time that I quit wasting time and started taking care of myself – in every way possible. Because no matter how much I struggle, in the end, I really do love myself; And that right there is the KEY to everything.

Thanks for listening! 💗

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Never Give Up!

I can’t believe it’s the 9th already. Where does the time go? I had all these plans and hopes of being well on my way to my new lifestyle, but I haven’t really started yet. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. on Monday to workout, I walked 45 minutes on the treadmill. Sadly, I paid for it the following 3 days with a headache. I am feeling better now (knock on wood), but I have convinced myself that I need to lay off the early morning workouts for now. So with the mornings out, it’s up to me utilizing my precious time in the evenings to workout – instead of vegging out like I really want to do.

I know that I don’t want to let another month go by without me making any progress toward bettering myself. I don’t want another year to pass by with me stuck in the same place I’m at today. I want more, and I know that I’ll only get more if I bust my butt and get it done. I’m not only talking about losing weight, I want to change everything that’s holding me back. I feel that by being miserable with my job and unhappy when my house is messy and disorganized is only bringing me down. I’m starting to think that in order for me to change and become the person that I know I am, I must change everything that is pulling me down. I need to clear the cobwebs.

First things first: I need to begin working out, 4-6 days a week. Preferably for 30-60 minutes minimum of cardio + weight training, etc.

Equally important: My diet. When I say the word diet, I don’t mean I need to go on a crazy diet. I mean my way of eating (aka WOE). The food that I put in my mouth needs to change, along with the way I view food. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and in order for anything to stick that needs to change.

I hope that by doing these two things I will begin to feel better and have more energy and gain confidence; which will then lead me to my next goals of tackling my professional life.

The key in all of this is to not give up. I always give up and I am beyond tired of being a quitter; Quiting is what got me to where I am today – Nowhere.

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I am going to try again… and again… and again… until it sticks.

Never give up!! 🙂

 

Live A Life You Love

I’ve been contemplating life lately, I’m not really sure why. It seems like so much of my life has been wasted time. Doing, thinking and obsessing over things that really do not matter at all. If only we could go back in time, what would we do differently? Here are a few ideas for me, in no particular order:

~I’d write a great book… like Bridget Jones’ Diary. Just kidding, I’d write Twilight. or even better, I’d write the Harry Potter series because you never hear critics saying what a bad writer J.K. Rowling is.

~I’d erase all of my overeating and fast food visits. I might as well add in all of my visits down the candy isle too.

~I’d exercise every day, or at least go for a walk every day; 30 minutes, nothing crazy.

~I’d take my vitamins and eat a clean diet.

~I’d go to college right out of high school – and finish. Preferably with a teaching degree, even though teachers are ridiculously underpaid, I’d have vacations off with my kids. No amount of money can buy summers and cozy winter breaks off with your kids. That is my biggest regret… lost time with my kids.

~I’d be more outgoing and not be afraid to step outside of my comfort zone. I wouldn’t let my hubby’s need for safety and security keep me from taking my own risks in life. I’d be a true go-getter.

~I’d have spent more time with my grandparents – and I’d take notes!

Alright, so honestly I think this list could go on forever. The thing is, that even though all of those things would have been great and may have improved my life, they might not have. Perhaps eating clean and never overeating junk food would have made me a miserable human being who hates life. Maybe being thin and (hopefully) preventing disease isn’t always worth it. Maybe sometimes living is better?
Hmm, no I’m pretty sure that being thin and disease free is better, but you get the idea. 🙂

If everything happens for a reason then that means that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I can’t imagine why God would intend for me to be where I’m at: in debt, fat, unhealthy, sick (in terms of thyroid cancer and Graves’ Disease, migraines, etc.), no degree, too shy, too afraid of failure. Is there a lesson that I’m supposed to learn from all for all of this? Is He just sitting back wondering when I’ll finally have enough and get a clue?
Or maybe my journey isn’t solely for me. Perhaps there really are bigger things in play. Maybe it’s for my kids, lessons that they need to go through. Or maybe it’s for something different altogether that I can’t even fathom right now. Or maybe it’s for nothing at all.

I guess the point of all this is that though I may not be where I want to be or who I want to be, I am not stuck. The truth of the matter is that I actually have it pretty good, A lot of people would love the life I live, and while I do love a lot of it, I don’t love all of it. And that’s not ok with me. We are only here for a short time, life is too short to live a mediocre existence. To accept a life that isn’t what you want isn’t ok. There are some things we have very little control over: like getting sick or a freak accident at work. But for the majority of it, we have a choice in the matter.

Somehow over the years New Year resolutions have become cliché. I hate that. I love New Year resolutions. Like every Monday, its a fresh start. A new beginning. A new chance at life where anything is possible – if you want it badly enough and if you’re willing to work for it, it can happen. Its like a shiny little globe of hope, dangling in front of you, waiting for you catch it like the golden snitch. You just have to be willing to make it happen.

I feel like I’ve existed long enough. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to take the bull by the horns and take charge of my life (cue Chaka Khan🎶). I have a few things up my sleeve for the new year, I am anxious to see what I do with them. In the end, for me, the real test is bravery.

Fear of failure be damned. 🙂