Off the Sadle

Well shoot! I’m off track again! lol…

Hubby made a good point this afternoon during lunch (Pei Wei), I was telling him that I hoped he liked it so we could go back… then I paused and said, actually, I hope you don’t like it, because if we come back then that means that I’m still off track… Then he said, when will you get that you don’t have to deny yourself foods to be on track… And I knew he was right. Its always all or nothing with me. Not a little, not a bit, not a nibble, not a lick… because any one of those will lead to a full blown binge that will last from days to months… And I know that is not normal. Knowing that makes me wonder if something is seriously wrong with me…

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I would just eat a little, or have normal portions. I remember when I was in high school I would go to Sadie’s with a friend and her parents. Her mom was one of those naturally thin, petite, cute ladies that looked 10 years younger than she was. She’d have a margarita and one taco… ONE. I remember thinking, who eats one taco? She did.. every single time. And she was completely fine and content with it. The other night we got tacos from Garcia’s and I think I had five… That’s right, I said five!! LOL. It wasn’t one of my shinning moments, but honestly, who has one taco? Is that the secret to being thin? Ignoring your WANT for five tacos and tell yourself you are content with ONE. I don’t know… How do I convince myself that I am completely fine and content with one?

I’m a broken record again, because I’m about to say I need to exercise and how much I want to exercise. I want to be a runner, but I have a chronic ankle problem that REALLY flares up when I’m eating gluten, strangely enough. It has gotten really bad the last few weeks… I need to go back to gluten free – and low carb, because really I feel so much better and can move so much better, which ultimately will help me exercise!! If I would just quit being so darn lazy.

Well, I guess that’s it for tonight. I just wanted to say that I suck and fell off the wagon again… This is how it happened: I was at a networking party for work at the country club, I had a few too many drinks… then afterwards we went to a bar for one last drink… and thenĀ we ordered dinner, I thought I was being good ordering the Cajun rubbed ribs (appetizer), which was 5 ribs… when they came they were covered in BBQ sauce, and honestly, they tasted like freezer. I was starving and ate them anyway… Then on my way home, I decided f*ck it, I’m starving and got a small quesadilla from Taco Cabana… it was GOOD! I scarfed that down on my way home, and when I got home, I made myself puke. I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t want to be sick the next day, or if didn’t want those carbs inside me… Maybe a little bit of both… So anyway, the next day I was ready to get back on track, but the girls at the office wanted to get Dion’s – where I could have gotten a salad and been FINE, but instead, I got a 6″ meatball sub (kinda nasty) and a fruit cup… then for dinner, 5 tacos… That was Friday. It’s now Sunday, and I’m not doing any better. I want to get back on track and feel better, but I also want the freedom to eat and ENJOY my food.

Ugh!! WHAT IS THE ANSWER!?! šŸ˜¦

So, there you have you have it. Am I off track by eating carbs? Or can I eat carbs and still be on track and still lose weight? Why can’t I figure this out??

 

 

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Is it ever too late to start over?

It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day grind that we forget to step back and reassess where we are, and more importantly, where we want to be.

When I recently stepped back I realized that though my life is good, I’m not where I want to be. I have fallen into a career path that pays well but does not fulfill my needs. I’m content but not necessarily happy. I’m in a position that offers tons of money making potential, and yet I do nothing with it. I can only assume I’m letting this opportunity pass me by because my heart isn’t in it.

Now that I’m in my 30’s, a career change seems completely irresponsible and foolish. But is it? Is it worth changing career paths and risk making less money for self-fulfillment? It seems very selfish and childish when I think about it, yet my inner voice won’t shut up about it. It screams to me that life is short and money isn’t everything. Two things I know to be true but seem to forget all too easily.

So here I am, questioning myself (doubting myself more like), am I brave enough to do something different? Am I brave enough to take risks? Am I brave enough to risk failure? Am I brave enough to possibly let myself and my family down and to face the music if I do?

All these “what if’s”… No certainties. No answers. It’s a leap of faith I’m not sure I’m brave enough to take… Yet.

And in all honestly, I am still waiting to “lose weight” to decide because I have it stuck in my head that once I lose this weight and regain my self-confidence I’ll finally be able to put myself out there to market an network without feeling embarrassed because I’m a huge fat slob. I’m hoping that’s the case anyway.