In Mourning

Yes, you read that right. I am in food mourning. Thanks to a new bald spot (thank you, thyroid. I hate you…), I have decided to go back to eating gluten free.

I quit low-carb/gluten free in October 2015 when we went to Hawaii. I had lost about 50 lbs when from March-October, but in the last 7 months I have regained 40+ lbs, I feel like crap, and am now losing my hair again (which is why I went gluten free in the first place). It seemed to work last time, so I’m going for it again.

I can’t help but feel so disappointed in myself for getting off track again. First off, I was nowhere near where I needed to be to warrant going off track. Second, had I just stuck to it, I’d be 14 months into my healthy way of eating and that much closer to my goal. I’d definitely be feeling and looking better. Instead of gaining 40, I could have lost another 40!  Third, I have never been able to hope off the wagon for a day, much less a whole vacation, and hop right back on. Ever. My one cheat meal turns into a cheat month… or longer. I am just not cut out for that, and though it sucks, that’s ok because it’s just the way it is.

Oh well. Crying over it won’t change anything, but maybe this is a hard lesson learned (as if I needed another lesson). Just stick to it, especially  once I get in the groove and it becomes easy. This time, I am adding in exercise. Nobody ever said it’d be easy, but it’ll be worth it. And for the most part, it was easy! So why, OH WHY, did I throw the towel in!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love food, I love eating, I love the freedom of eating what ever I want, when I want. But, look at me, I’m a fat disaster. I weighed in this morning at 298.4… In case you missed it, let me say it again:

298.4!!!

As much as that number sucks, the truth is, I’m human. My body holds weight like nobody’s business. At times I feel that if I even look at a piece of cake I will gain 5 lbs. So, knowing how my body works and knowing my thyroid issues and what ever else, I shouldn’t be surprised. My weight is what it is. There is no sense in beating myself up about it. The truth is simple: Yes, I have a medical condition that aids in weight gain, BUT this is not why I’m fat. I fat because my unhealthy habits that have gotten me to 300 lbs. It’s caused by over eating, binging, and sitting on my ass that’s gotten me to this point, not my lack of thyroid.

That’s the truth. And chances are, if you are over weight as well, your weight gain is caused by the same – over eating and not exercising. The magic pill we’re all looking for is inside us. The pill is that little spark of motivation and determination that lies inside of each of us. The magic happens when we dig down deep and pull it out, day after day. Sometimes we have to dig it out, other days we may not find it at all… but it’s there, lying dormant, waiting for us to wake it up.

I personally have spent too many morning sleeping in, and too many evenings when I get off work on the couch. The last few years I’ve become so lazy that I don’t even bother to cook dinner much anymore. I get home, get in my PJ’s, and plop my fat ass on the couch and move as little as possible, often getting take out or ordering in. I do this AFTER spending an entire day at work on my ass, over eating. The weekends are no better, we might move a little more, but nothing near what my body needs. Eating is just as bad.

That is why I am fat. I’m not going to fool myself anymore. I AM FAT BECAUSE I EAT TOO MUCH AND DON’T MOVE.

So, here I am. Ground zero. I am the only one who can change things. I am the only one who can turn my life around. Who knows where I’ll end up health wise, carrier wise, etc. The future is still unwritten. I just know I don’t want to live the rest of my story fat, uncomfortable, self conscious, embarrassed and ashamed. The last thing I want is for my weight to hold me back. If that means being a little strict with what I put in my mouth and pushing myself to workout 30 minutes + a day, then that’s what I’m going to do.

And it starts now. I don’t want to see 300 lbs again…. remember, I started there last year at 308. I’m 10 lbs away from that… I will not see those numbers again.

 

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