In Mourning

Yes, you read that right. I am in food mourning. Thanks to a new bald spot (thank you, thyroid. I hate you…), I have decided to go back to eating gluten free.

I quit low-carb/gluten free in October 2015 when we went to Hawaii. I had lost about 50 lbs when from March-October, but in the last 7 months I have regained 40+ lbs, I feel like crap, and am now losing my hair again (which is why I went gluten free in the first place). It seemed to work last time, so I’m going for it again.

I can’t help but feel so disappointed in myself for getting off track again. First off, I was nowhere near where I needed to be to warrant going off track. Second, had I just stuck to it, I’d be 14 months into my healthy way of eating and that much closer to my goal. I’d definitely be feeling and looking better. Instead of gaining 40, I could have lost another 40!  Third, I have never been able to hope off the wagon for a day, much less a whole vacation, and hop right back on. Ever. My one cheat meal turns into a cheat month… or longer. I am just not cut out for that, and though it sucks, that’s ok because it’s just the way it is.

Oh well. Crying over it won’t change anything, but maybe this is a hard lesson learned (as if I needed another lesson). Just stick to it, especially  once I get in the groove and it becomes easy. This time, I am adding in exercise. Nobody ever said it’d be easy, but it’ll be worth it. And for the most part, it was easy! So why, OH WHY, did I throw the towel in!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love food, I love eating, I love the freedom of eating what ever I want, when I want. But, look at me, I’m a fat disaster. I weighed in this morning at 298.4… In case you missed it, let me say it again:

298.4!!!

As much as that number sucks, the truth is, I’m human. My body holds weight like nobody’s business. At times I feel that if I even look at a piece of cake I will gain 5 lbs. So, knowing how my body works and knowing my thyroid issues and what ever else, I shouldn’t be surprised. My weight is what it is. There is no sense in beating myself up about it. The truth is simple: Yes, I have a medical condition that aids in weight gain, BUT this is not why I’m fat. I fat because my unhealthy habits that have gotten me to 300 lbs. It’s caused by over eating, binging, and sitting on my ass that’s gotten me to this point, not my lack of thyroid.

That’s the truth. And chances are, if you are over weight as well, your weight gain is caused by the same – over eating and not exercising. The magic pill we’re all looking for is inside us. The pill is that little spark of motivation and determination that lies inside of each of us. The magic happens when we dig down deep and pull it out, day after day. Sometimes we have to dig it out, other days we may not find it at all… but it’s there, lying dormant, waiting for us to wake it up.

I personally have spent too many morning sleeping in, and too many evenings when I get off work on the couch. The last few years I’ve become so lazy that I don’t even bother to cook dinner much anymore. I get home, get in my PJ’s, and plop my fat ass on the couch and move as little as possible, often getting take out or ordering in. I do this AFTER spending an entire day at work on my ass, over eating. The weekends are no better, we might move a little more, but nothing near what my body needs. Eating is just as bad.

That is why I am fat. I’m not going to fool myself anymore. I AM FAT BECAUSE I EAT TOO MUCH AND DON’T MOVE.

So, here I am. Ground zero. I am the only one who can change things. I am the only one who can turn my life around. Who knows where I’ll end up health wise, carrier wise, etc. The future is still unwritten. I just know I don’t want to live the rest of my story fat, uncomfortable, self conscious, embarrassed and ashamed. The last thing I want is for my weight to hold me back. If that means being a little strict with what I put in my mouth and pushing myself to workout 30 minutes + a day, then that’s what I’m going to do.

And it starts now. I don’t want to see 300 lbs again…. remember, I started there last year at 308. I’m 10 lbs away from that… I will not see those numbers again.

 

Advertisements

We All Have a Story…

I officially started my new lifestyle on Monday. I am focusing on clean eating (as much as possible), drinking lots of water, and getting daily exercise and/or movement in. I joined a clean eating challenge in December and from there decided to join the next group they were starting using Beachbody’s 21 Day Fix. This program focuses on clean, whole foods and comes with little containers to help you measure your food. So far the little cups have been very helpful. I ordered the Challenge Pack which includes Shakeology, which honestly I was skeptical about but I am actually enjoying it. I have tried other shakes in the pasts, the last was Body by Vi, but that just didn’t do anything for me. I’m not currently using Shakeology as a meal replacement, instead I’m using it more as a supplement because of all the vitamins. Surprisingly, today I had my eating under control for the most part, but ate too much at dinner. I also had energy all day long, which rarely happens. It could be a fluke or maybe the shake does help? I’m anxious to see! I was having trouble with my DVD player so I couldn’t do the workout that came with the 21 Day Fix so instead I walked for 50 minutes on the treadmill. Nothing crazy, but it was enough to make me huff and puff and get sweaty. 🙂

During my walk I was thinking about this long tiresome journey I’ve been on, nearly my whole life. I’ve always struggled with my weight and I’ve always gotten down on myself about it. I hate that. I want to learn and practice self-love. I want to learn to love myself regardless of my size, and regardless if I say something stupid, or if I’m too shy to go out and get business and if am not a top producer at my company or bringing home “the bacon” for my family.  These things don’t define me, these things can change just as easily as I let myself get hung-up on them.

I’ve always felt guilty for putting myself first. For the first time ever I understand that in order to GIVE love, you have to first love yourself. This is something I’ve heard for as long as I can remember but it’s never meant anything to me until now. It was like an “Ah!” moment for me. The saying, “if mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” is true only it’s not just for mama’s. It’s for everyone. To be the person others need you to be starts with your own self-love and willingness to put yourself first in order to take care of them the way they need. There’s no reason to feel guilty, it’s a necessity.

My question to myself this evening is WHY THIS TIME? What will make this time any different from my other attempts at weight loss or life changes before? In the past I have always been horrible at sticking to things. The only time that I truly stuck to something for any amount of time was in 2006 when I lost 110 lbs. It took me about 7 months and I kept that weight off for 5 years or so. I was eating low carb at the time and because I was having a lot of aches and pains I got off the program because I thought maybe I was missing nutrients… turns out, it was my thyroid. Since then I’ve struggled with everything, weight, motivation, ambition and drive, which in turn has effected my family life to some degree and it’s definitely impacted my career. And this isn’t ok with me… there comes a time when enough is enough. Dare I say that I have finally had enough?

I know that I’m not alone in my struggles and in no way do these things define me. They’re only a small piece of story. My story is MUCH longer and the rest is still unwritten. It’s time that I quit wasting time and started taking care of myself – in every way possible. Because no matter how much I struggle, in the end, I really do love myself; And that right there is the KEY to everything.

Thanks for listening! 💗

2015/01/img_0774-0.jpg